![]() Work on your own emotional control and model it. If you are feeling mad, sad, frustrated and everything in between over your child’s refusal to do schoolwork and other challenging behaviors, the best thing you can do is be a good example. This is too much pressure on children, and it is teaching them to be people-pleasers and that they exist to take care of other people’s feelings. Please avoid “This makes Mommy sad”, “You hurt my feelings when you behave that way” or “You are making me angry” and all other iterations. Your child is not responsible for your feelings. Above all, you are information gathering, mirroring with empathy, and listening. (For more about how to deescalate using this technique, check out this podcast from Connected Parenting). ![]() Rather, you can repeat back what you are hearing in a way that reflects the urgency of his or her explanation. Maintaining a calm “customer service” demeanor can sometimes come off as insincere. ![]() If your child becomes upset while discussing this, you can deescalate by matching his or her tone and reflecting their emotion, to show that you are listening and understand. You are not injecting your own stories and theories and you are not reacting angrily. You are gathering information (who, what, when, where, why, how) and asking your child what they were thinking when the incident occurred, and why it occurs under some conditions and not others (if this is the case). In this case, you would say “I notice that you are having difficulty getting started on your math homework after school … what’s up?” The conversation should flow with you asking questions for clarification, and reflecting back what you are hearing. The discussion always begins with the Empathy Step and starts with the words “I notice”. You are now ready to sit down with your child at a calm time and have a discussion. ![]()
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